Saturday, April 16, 2011


Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

This has been a very interesting week. It's been a week where I've really gotten to test my "more real" self in new ways. There has been a lot of work to do. There has been controversy and drama in several areas, and I've been trying new ways to face it.

First, there is a lot going on in my condo board/school project. We have a lot at stake, and I am trying to decide where I fit in as a leader any more. There is some great new blood bringing new enthusiasm, which is awesome. And, I am ready to abdicate my presidency, except for the fact that my school project is at stake. So how do I get buy in from myself and the board? What do I do next? Instead of being rigid, as I have in the past, I've been trying to be open to new ideas and change, while maintaining my own integrity.

Second, I stood up in a way I haven't before to my mother and aunt, requesting to be treated as an adult. I am still amazed at my bluntness and forthrightness with them, as both of them are woman I have spent my life trying to impress and gain approval from. This time, I said I didn't approve of something they did. Wow - what a weird experience. I am still figuring out how it will land and where it will lead. My mom had obviously read it though (I was afraid she wouldn't), as she responded to another question quoting my email. Standing up in this way for what I need is a whole new experience.

And third - tonight I went to dinner with some friends, and some former friends, with whom I'd had a painful breakup, were there. At first I wanted to run and hide, I was flushed and shaking. And then I decided that I'd me more disappointed in myself if I pretended they weren't there than if I went and said hi. And so, I did. They were friendly and receptive, which is nice. I still am hoping i didn't come across as a major dork, and I feel good for having made the effort. I admit part of me hopes it is the first step in a reconciliation. The amazing thing was how much I calmed down and relaxed after doing so. I am glad I showed the courage.

And so - the growing and learning yet continue. I am now learning to show my true colors, and show my inner courage. Damn, it's kinda scary. :)

Photo by Scott Stulberg. Website -

No comments: