Courage

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

This has been a very interesting week. It's been a week where I've really gotten to test my "more real" self in new ways. There has been a lot of work to do. There has been controversy and drama in several areas, and I've been trying new ways to face it.

First, there is a lot going on in my condo board/school project. We have a lot at stake, and I am trying to decide where I fit in as a leader any more. There is some great new blood bringing new enthusiasm, which is awesome. And, I am ready to abdicate my presidency, except for the fact that my school project is at stake. So how do I get buy in from myself and the board? What do I do next? Instead of being rigid, as I have in the past, I've been trying to be open to new ideas and change, while maintaining my own integrity.

Second, I stood up in a way I haven't before to my mother and aunt, requesting to be treated as an adult. I am still amazed at my bluntness and forthrightness with them, as both of them are woman I have spent my life trying to impress and gain approval from. This time, I said I didn't approve of something they did. Wow - what a weird experience. I am still figuring out how it will land and where it will lead. My mom had obviously read it though (I was afraid she wouldn't), as she responded to another question quoting my email. Standing up in this way for what I need is a whole new experience.

And third - tonight I went to dinner with some friends, and some former friends, with whom I'd had a painful breakup, were there. At first I wanted to run and hide, I was flushed and shaking. And then I decided that I'd me more disappointed in myself if I pretended they weren't there than if I went and said hi. And so, I did. They were friendly and receptive, which is nice. I still am hoping i didn't come across as a major dork, and I feel good for having made the effort. I admit part of me hopes it is the first step in a reconciliation. The amazing thing was how much I calmed down and relaxed after doing so. I am glad I showed the courage.

And so - the growing and learning yet continue. I am now learning to show my true colors, and show my inner courage. Damn, it's kinda scary. :)

Photo by Scott Stulberg. Website - http://www.7photographyquestions.com/2008/11/p24-a-powerful-shot-of-an-african-lioness.html

Creepy Fun!

Last year, I reconnected with a long lost friend via facebook. She invited me to a "Be Creepy" Party hosted by her friends Iggi and Jesse. And thus begun new wonderful friendships, and friends as strange as I!

This year the party was at the Rendevoux in downtown, and featured Spiderface (local punk band) and a Freak Show. And a couple of us brave souls got up and did "talent." Jesse did a mime show, and a band friend did an awesome burlesque dance. I myself lip synched to "Paparazzi." ( I have to admit lip synching is a secret love of mine. I used to do it as a 13 year old at the contests they had at the Seattle Center. )

It was a wonderful evening where I felt I had the chance to cut loose and wave my freak flag, and be silly and sick and nuts. So - thank you Iggi and Jesse!

It's My Birthday!

It's true, I LOVE my birthday. I love the attention and the love from my friends and family. Maybe it's an only child thing, maybe it's an extravert thing. It doesn't matter. It's MY thing. And I won't apologize. I LOVE my Birthday, and celebrating myself.

I deserve to love myself, and to celebrate me. We all do. I believe that every one of us has gifts to give, and the more you love and respect yourself, the more you have to give to others.

I am so extremely grateful for the wonderful gifts I have in my life. And I am especially grateful for the wonderful people in my life. Thank you to all my amazing friends and family. I celebrate you today as well.

Happy Anniversary to Me

A year ago, my car had rolled over 3 times,

dropped 6 feet and spun into oncoming traffic. It was one of the most terrifying things I have experienced to date.

A year later, I sit here feeling so extremely grateful that I was able to walk away with minor injuries, and that the experience has led me to learn so much.

In the last year I have started to come into my own skin, and to learn that I have great personal power, and to learn to accept it and to use it for good. I have learned that I have a job here on this earth, to make the world a better place. I have learned that accidents happen and life is not perfect, nor am I.

In the last year, and especially in the last week I have been a part of some profound shit.

I am so grateful for my life, my experiences, my learning and all the wonderful people in my life.

A year ago, my hand was bandaged, stitched and full of glass, and my knee was swollen bruised and throbbing. Tonight my hand has healed, and my knee is swollen and throbbing for another reason - a celebratory and commemorative tattoo!