Courage

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

This has been a very interesting week. It's been a week where I've really gotten to test my "more real" self in new ways. There has been a lot of work to do. There has been controversy and drama in several areas, and I've been trying new ways to face it.

First, there is a lot going on in my condo board/school project. We have a lot at stake, and I am trying to decide where I fit in as a leader any more. There is some great new blood bringing new enthusiasm, which is awesome. And, I am ready to abdicate my presidency, except for the fact that my school project is at stake. So how do I get buy in from myself and the board? What do I do next? Instead of being rigid, as I have in the past, I've been trying to be open to new ideas and change, while maintaining my own integrity.

Second, I stood up in a way I haven't before to my mother and aunt, requesting to be treated as an adult. I am still amazed at my bluntness and forthrightness with them, as both of them are woman I have spent my life trying to impress and gain approval from. This time, I said I didn't approve of something they did. Wow - what a weird experience. I am still figuring out how it will land and where it will lead. My mom had obviously read it though (I was afraid she wouldn't), as she responded to another question quoting my email. Standing up in this way for what I need is a whole new experience.

And third - tonight I went to dinner with some friends, and some former friends, with whom I'd had a painful breakup, were there. At first I wanted to run and hide, I was flushed and shaking. And then I decided that I'd me more disappointed in myself if I pretended they weren't there than if I went and said hi. And so, I did. They were friendly and receptive, which is nice. I still am hoping i didn't come across as a major dork, and I feel good for having made the effort. I admit part of me hopes it is the first step in a reconciliation. The amazing thing was how much I calmed down and relaxed after doing so. I am glad I showed the courage.

And so - the growing and learning yet continue. I am now learning to show my true colors, and show my inner courage. Damn, it's kinda scary. :)

Photo by Scott Stulberg. Website - http://www.7photographyquestions.com/2008/11/p24-a-powerful-shot-of-an-african-lioness.html

Creepy Fun!

Last year, I reconnected with a long lost friend via facebook. She invited me to a "Be Creepy" Party hosted by her friends Iggi and Jesse. And thus begun new wonderful friendships, and friends as strange as I!

This year the party was at the Rendevoux in downtown, and featured Spiderface (local punk band) and a Freak Show. And a couple of us brave souls got up and did "talent." Jesse did a mime show, and a band friend did an awesome burlesque dance. I myself lip synched to "Paparazzi." ( I have to admit lip synching is a secret love of mine. I used to do it as a 13 year old at the contests they had at the Seattle Center. )

It was a wonderful evening where I felt I had the chance to cut loose and wave my freak flag, and be silly and sick and nuts. So - thank you Iggi and Jesse!

It's My Birthday!

It's true, I LOVE my birthday. I love the attention and the love from my friends and family. Maybe it's an only child thing, maybe it's an extravert thing. It doesn't matter. It's MY thing. And I won't apologize. I LOVE my Birthday, and celebrating myself.

I deserve to love myself, and to celebrate me. We all do. I believe that every one of us has gifts to give, and the more you love and respect yourself, the more you have to give to others.

I am so extremely grateful for the wonderful gifts I have in my life. And I am especially grateful for the wonderful people in my life. Thank you to all my amazing friends and family. I celebrate you today as well.

Happy Anniversary to Me

A year ago, my car had rolled over 3 times,

dropped 6 feet and spun into oncoming traffic. It was one of the most terrifying things I have experienced to date.

A year later, I sit here feeling so extremely grateful that I was able to walk away with minor injuries, and that the experience has led me to learn so much.

In the last year I have started to come into my own skin, and to learn that I have great personal power, and to learn to accept it and to use it for good. I have learned that I have a job here on this earth, to make the world a better place. I have learned that accidents happen and life is not perfect, nor am I.

In the last year, and especially in the last week I have been a part of some profound shit.

I am so grateful for my life, my experiences, my learning and all the wonderful people in my life.

A year ago, my hand was bandaged, stitched and full of glass, and my knee was swollen bruised and throbbing. Tonight my hand has healed, and my knee is swollen and throbbing for another reason - a celebratory and commemorative tattoo!

Letting go of the unfinished journey.

As part of the great butterfly adventure, I am cleaning out things. Today I started cleaning out the bookshelves over my desk, and one of the books I decided to pass along is the Artists Way. I tried this book several years ago (15) and never finished.

It's moved with me at least once, and has sat on my book shelf for years, in the hope I'd get back to it.

Even more interesting was that I looked at the journal I kept it. Wow, all those old dreams, old hurts, old ideas. Things I've let long since let go of. I now have new dreams, fresher hurts and newer ideas.

And the thing is, I found my Artist's Way, my own way.

Not to say it doesn't work, or it isn't a great book. It just wasn't my book, or MY way.

I've been letting go of a lot of things lately, and one of the things I've learned to let go of is my old journeys. It's ok I didn't finish, or get where I thought I was going at the time.

And by letting go of the old things, I've made room for the new.

I am a Chrysalis.

Wow. I can't believe it's been almost a year (1 year less 2 days) since I've updated my blog. I've kept meaning too, but then STUFF gets in the way. Mainly, not having anything to say, cuz I've already updated my Facebook status.

Well, a lot has happened in the last year. And it is ALL good.

When 2009 started, I thought I'd be de-cluttering the house, getting rid of things, and starting anew. Well, that's partially right. Instead I de-cluttered people that were toxic to me, and finished a job that was not satisfying or meaningful, and made decisions on how I would move forward.

This last weekend, I just began the first steps of what is the 1,000 miles known as Grad School. I am now working on a Master's Degree in Leadership Organization and Development at the Leadership Institute of Seattle. And, I am so very excited about this!

I have also begun the work of physically de-cluttering, and re-organizing my home, as well as painting it. Long overdue projects.

It is because of these things that I say I am a Chrysalis. I am changing my life, I am in the new chapter. I will become a butterfly.

The Universe is telling me things I cannot ignore

I've had a lot going on lately, lot's of changes in my life, good and bad, some losses that I am getting used to, and some gains.

Well, I think it will all work out for the best, because the Universe seems to be telling me so. I say this because 2 of my horoscopes this week are so right on the money, it's scary. And, so, I am sharing them, and saying - Yes, universe, I hear you! When can I reap the rewards??? :)


1) As people and situations disappear off the radar, you might ask where they are going. And while you are asking, I suggest you take their fading out as an opportunity to simplify your life. You have good reason to do so, namely that it will provide you with the opportunity to focus on one aspect of your personal goals that will lead you to the most satisfying and moreover authentic success. But herein reside the core issues, of which there are three. There is one dimension of accomplishment that is connected to what you feel you deserve; there is another with how high you set your goals; and another connected to how much discipline you can muster. You need to work on all three aspects of yourself at once. There is one additional challenge -- your most meaningful objective or goal may, at the moment, be mixed in with much other activity that obscures it. So the first thing you must focus on is discernment, and part of that is about knowing yourself. This is the thing that is given lots of chatter in our world, and many people claim to possess this pearl of great price. This month, I will leave you with a question: assuming you feel you possess deep self-knowledge, how would you know if you did not?

2) Beware of People who act like polite jerks or tone-deaf music critics or emotionally numb lovers. While they may be able to teach you a lot about what you DON'T need, they're not worthy candidates dor enduring relationships. Now, let's turn our attention to the question of who exactly does belond on your future team. What encouraging voices should you draw in to your inner sphere? What smart adventurers should be solicited as staunch allies? Which respectful helpers should be rewarded for the good influnces they've had on you? It's an excellent time to make those determinations.

Are those appropriate or WHAT?

Thank you to my wonderful and supportive friends. Ok, enought of being maudlin. Have a great day!